For those of you living in a cave, or if you’ve been avoiding Bob Costas’s unblinking gaze as he reports from across the pond, you’re in luck!! In honor of the Olympics being held in London this year, I’ve decided to throw in my two quid about the Greatest Show on Earth (you’ll never hear me say that about a circus because I’m terrified of clowns)… and I will do so using “proper” English throughout (or my interpretation of “proper” English), so you get the full effect. It’s just like being in foggy-Londontown (without the McDonalds that seats 1,500 Olympic spectators.) So grab a pint, a giant Toblerone bar and enjoy, or bugger off… your choice, mate.
Watching the Olympics this year has been both brillo and bollocks (nice, right?). Although I didn’t understand Danny Boyle’s opening ceremony, I was completely gobsmacked watching the torch lighting – best I’ve seen in my 31 years on this planet. Throw in a little Paul McCartney, Mr. Bean, and the Queen mum’s corgies, and you had one happy Yank the first night (even though I didn’t understand Boyle’s weird “dance party through the ages”, and Spain’s Olympic uniforms were voted the eyesore of the evening in my household.)
Anywho, right – brillo and bollocks of the Olympics. Here we go:
Brillo: 16 year-old Gabby Douglas wins Gold for Team USA in the Individual All-Around as well as Team Gymanstics Competition. Team USA wins gold for the first time since Atlanta. (Yes, I realize for my international readers, you don’t give a tiny rat’s arse, but too bad.)
Bollocks: Gabby’s mother has to explain and defend against critics slagging her daughter’s natural hair. These people criticizing a 16 year-old Olympic athlete should be kicked in the ovaries/testes. End of story.
Brillo: Guatemala wins its first Olympic medal. Congrats to Erick Barrondo’s well-deserved medal. He hopes this inspires children in his country to put down weapons and pick up trainers to end the country’s long history of violence. This is what the Olympics should be about.
Bollocks: Aly Raisman’s parents. Have you seen these people? It’s like Toddlers and Tiaras meets Dance Moms, and they all go to London on holiday.
Brillo: Michael Phelps wins his eleventy billionth Olympic medal, surpassing a record set by Larisa Latynina of the former Soviet Union. Too little, too late on the Cold War effort, but good on ya, Phelpsy! I can only assume all that free Subway had something to do with your record-breaking outcome.
Bollocks: Ryan Lochte wears a grill on the Olympic podium. I am no stranger to the grill (and to plug my neighborhood, I can get you a real one right around the corner), but there is a time and place for frat boy humour, and I’m pretty sure the Olympic stage wasn’t the place. You did live up to the stereotype that I believe most of the world (especially Canadians) have of us, so thanks for not letting the Canadians down, Ryan.
Brillo: Iran wins Gold (three times) in Greco-Roman wrestling. Who knew there were that many medals to win in Greco-Roman wrestling?
Bollocks: NBC cuts off Bob Costas in the middle of announcing the result because (God forbid), Iranian athletes were to succeed, and their celebration televised here in the US.
Brillo: Women in the Olympics. Three Muslim countries sent women to the Olympics for the first time. Of the women competing from predominantly Muslim countries, one of them competed in shooting events… and she was eight months pregnant. Man’s claim to greatness by way of his ability to pee standing up is officially null and void. Boom.
Bollocks: Cheating women in the Olympics. Ahem, Badminton. Seriously? The fact that this is even an Olympic sport is mindboggling, let alone four teams trying to fix games. No soup for you!
Brillo: Apparently, it’s tradition to be givin’ a bit of “how’s your father” in the Olympic village. Rumour has it 30,000 more contraceptives were flown into London for the Games than Beijing in 2008, and there is an official brand sponsoring the event. Shagadelic, baby…
Bollocks: The wussification of the Games. I know this is going to come off as super “American”, but bear with me. In women’s gymnastics, a gymnast failed to qualify for the all-around competition because each team could only send two athletes, even though she came in fourth place overall. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought the goal of the Olympics was to compete against the best of the best – not everyone should qualify; not everyone gets a trophy. And I’m not a particularly athletic person, so if anyone would fall under that “let’s give everyone an equal opportunity” rule, it would be this girl. For once, Bela Karolyi and I agree on something… I can’t believe I just said that.
So that’s it – if you haven’t been keeping up on the Olympics, you’re welcome. I’m trying to think if I missed anything – US women’s volleyball players are still half nekkid (and won gold as I write and breathe), and China is still bored to tears winning gold in all diving events. In closing, enjoy the greatest show on Earth while it lasts, because it truly has everything – intrigue, controversy, sex, perseverance, glory, defeat, apparently more sex, and capitalism’s finest marketing restrictions (just ask Dr. Dre). I would normally finish this post out with an obnoxious U-S-A! U-S-A! chant and virtually high five all of you; instead, I’ll take the high road, say Cheerio, and leave you with this incredibly awkward photo… Bob’s your uncle. – Jess
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