I’ve got 99 problems, but my baby ain’t one…

Exsqueeeze me?! That’s right, love lemurs – I’m with child… “in a family way”… up the duff… that is, I might be carrying the future goalkeeper of the Spanish (or American… or maybe Spanish-American?) men’s soccer futbol team in ma belly. Baby Danger is due to make his Division 1 debut this fall, and C.D., the family and I couldn’t be happier. You may think, “There she goes – a mother already putting abnormal pressure on her child to succeed, but hear me out (and also, stop reading this blog). The kid is doing some serious water ballet in my uterus, and I can only imagine that will soon morph into goal kicks on my bladder/small intestine/pancreas; if it doesn’t, that’s AOK, too. It just means he’ll be taking after his madre in the athletic department instead of his uber-coordinated padre.

But there is so much to do beyond enjoying my expanding waistline and trying to get people to adopt “work leggings” as part of the accepted dress code. I’m exactly half way through this miracle of life, and while I’m truly enjoying and feeling incredibly grateful for this experience (except I could do a little less of the constant Tums-popping and migraines – which I’m told don’t stop until after he’s 18), there are a lot of decisions to me made and questions to be answered before Baby Danger graces us with his presence. Like I said in the title: I’ve got 99 “problems”, but my baby ain’t one (Note: I realized I left the air-quotes out of the title… because I’m pretty sure none of these are real-world problems, unless you star in a Bravo franchise.) So in no particular order, here are the 10 most important things I need to figure out before B.D.’s fall debut (this is going to be the beginning of a long, on-going list, kids, so buckle up).

1. What do I want my pregnancy photos to look like? I’m leaning towards those of the Kim Zolciak-Biermann-esque variety, and then using them as a holiday card. Or maybe I’ll choose one of these – I think we could make the cat one work (a big Yank shout-out to someone living in the Stab for the inspiration.)

2. I hear pregnant women make bad clothing choices – how can I avoid this, and who will tell me when it happens (basically, how do I avoid becoming a Kardashian statistic)? I have a wonderful, stylish friend who regularly sends me clothing ideas on Pinterest for pregnant women, so I think she’s sensed this concern already…

3. Since I’m pregnant, and there are technically two of us, does Baby Danger count as my Plus 1 in the HOV lane? (This would be tremendously helpful on the morning commute).

4. How swollen will my feet get by the end of this? Does Mother Nature know I have a plate and nine screws in one leg already that left me with a permanent kankle; and will she take that into account when doling out pregnancy side effects around months 8-9?

5. How will the nuggets react to our new addition? Honestly, this one makes me nervous – I can handle Penny Lane planning my demise, but not Baby Danger’s. If anyone has experience with a new baby and a cat that is half-feline, half pure-evil, PM me, por favor. I’d love to hear your experience. Hey Jude seems to be embracing brotherhood – he sleeps on or near me every night, right around my belly, so either he’s accepted becoming an older brother, or slowly freaking out about becoming a middle child – this was his reaction when we told him I’m pregnant.

6. Is there a way to politely tell people that any gifts containing clowns will be burned? I’m terrified of the things, and I’d rather register him for a lifetime supply of voodoo dolls.

7. At what stage of the pregnancy can I start blaming my forgetfulness on “pregnancy brain”? I’ve already starting blaming my over-opinionated moments on the baby – “The baby doesn’t like that.”, “The baby thinks you’re a fool.”, “The baby only wants grilled cheese and bacon; sorry, no Thai food today.”

8. How much pregnancy info is too much pregnancy info on social media? And is it ok to put up ultrasound “pecker pics” of my son and cute selfies regularly? I don’t think I should put up pics of B.D.’s anatomy until he’s able to make that poor decision for himself. What’s more, I feel like I’d lose a lot of FB friends, and, for anyone that knows me, posting only cute pics would be disingenuous because I’m not photogenic. In my case, for every decent pregnancy pic, there are about 600 that are truly heinous (case in point below – I’ll let you distinguish between cute and note cute pregnancy, although soft lighting vs. bathroom selfie should leave little guesswork).

9. Will my love of 80’s music affect my son in a negative way? Clearly the answer to this is no. He will only be cooler for knowing all the words to “Caribbean Queen” and every song on the Rock of Ages soundtrack; although this is definitely a concern for his papi.

10. Cloth diapers that will be washed, poop stains and all, in my washing machine with other items, or easy, environmentally unfriendly diapers that will need to be disposed of 10 times a day because that’s how much the baby poops? (Disclaimer: cloth diapers would only be used until solid foods are introduced, but I still think I’d be doing the landfills a favor, yah?) I’m all for doing my part for the environment, but not if it means having to wash a load of crap-filled diapers every day – kittens can use a litter box; can we not adapt that to babies somehow?

So that’s it – 10 real world problems that indirectly involve Baby Danger and need to be resolved before I can move on to more “pressing” issues like breast-feeding, circumcision, cribs, blah, blah, blah… In the meantime, I’ll keep myself busy trying to balance things on my expanding uterus, while you prepare your responses.

Until next time – it’s great to be back!

The Madness of March; or Why Ruth Bader Ginsburg Needs to Look Alive.

Welcome to the “out like a lamb” part of the month, sloth babies! Can you believe the madness that is March is almost over? This has been such a productive month – the first-ever non-European pope was elected (sidenote: Argentina is as close to Italy as one can get outside of the old world, so really not a stretch), and a former (still living) pope is on a permanent Vatication. A woman has (finally) been nominated to run the Secret Service, a dark horse 15th seed in Florida has made it to the Sweet Sixteen (even more amazing is that my friend guessed they’d win two games), and the Supreme Court is listening to arguments that could decide the future of mawwiage in ‘Merica (if you’ve never seen The Princess Bride, for shame!)

The bench of Florida Gulf Coast’s Sweet 16 team…

I just read the full transcripts of the hearing today, and so far, I’m not sure what to make of the questioning by the Supreme Court. I try not to get political in this blog because politics is serious, people, and I don’t do serious outside of the office. But much like I don’t want someone with a tail (read: boy parts) telling us ladies what to do with our bodies (or how intuitive they are in cases of pregnancy through rape), I do not think it just to hide behind a misused veil of morality as the motivation to prevent those we care about from legalizing their unions.

Right now, we have a serious financial deficit going on (start learning Mandarin, kids), and a whack-a-doo (confirmed by his friendship with Dennis Rodman) running the show in a nuclear North Korea.

DRod is hilarious.

In another equally volatile part of the world, an almost two year-long civil war has raged where one evil empire (Iran) is funding the Syrian government while another evil empire (Saudi Arabia) is funding the rebels. And meanwhile our evil empire’s attention is turned to whether or not two people who want to commit themselves to each other in marriage can legally do so. The argument against these legal unions? The definition of marriage, especially as it relates to the Bible, morality, and procreation… Let’s break this down right quick, starting with some passages from the Bible, shall we? If we’re going to default to holy scriptures, let’s do so verbatim.

“You should not lie on a bed where a menstruating woman has lain, and you can’t sit on a chair where she has sat.” (Leviticus 15:20) – Bummer, guys. So pretty much don’t leave your house. Ever. Oh, and don’t get married to a woman because we like to sit everywhere.

“When a man sells his daughter into slavery, she is not to go free as male slaves may.” (Exodus 21:7) – Sucks for me and half the population. Growing up, my father always said that if I didn’t behave, he’d sell me to a band of gypsies. I wonder if he was basing this idle threat on Exodus.

In a nutshell, the Bible says lots of stuff. If we’re going to choose scriptures to live by, that’s fine, as long as we’re not hurting someone else; we just can’t pick and choose holy text to dictate how others should be living. Barre tu parcelita (clean your own patio) is how the Spanish say this best; meaning, focus on your own crapola and don’t tell others how to handle theirs. If we applied the Bible across the board, what would happen to all you snipped Dads out there, while us women folk are standing all day and being sold to bands of gypsies:

“No man whose testicles have been crushed or whose organ has been cut off may become a member of the assembly of God.” (Deut 23:1)

Now, on to morality. People, Jesse James (a confirmed tool and cheater) has had the protected right to marry four times (sidenote: shouldn’t he have it revoked at some point?). Kim Kardashian’s marriage imploded on reality TV and now we’re forced to watch her refuse maternity clothes as her waistline continues to expand from a pregnancy with her baby-daddy (who is also a tool and who, by the way, is not the Hump).

Totes appropriate maternity dress.

We’ve watched scandal after ridiculous scandal unfold in the private lives of politicians – Newt, Anthony Weiner (such an unfortunate joe-incidence), and let’s not forget the South Carolina governor who lied to his constituents to canoodle his Argentine mistress. He just recently threw his hat back in the political ring and garnered a lot of support. Need I go on? So, let’s throw the morality stump in the fire, shall we? ‘Tis a tall order to argue it’s morally wrong for two people who love each other to formalize their union in front of family and friends (and throw a great shindig afterward) when true moral digressions are played out (and ignored) in real life everyday.

Procreation. Welcome to the 1800’s, folks. Please check your passion at the door because sex is only for ensuring the continuation of mankind. Yes, that’s why the porn industry is failing so miserably. I don’t want to give too much away about my own shenanigans, but I’m willing to bet most of you don’t have those old fashioned “Like Water for Chocolate” procreation blankets on the bed… Also, if procreation is the argument for not legalizing gay marriage, I guess those adorable ninety year olds we hear about on the news who fall back in love after reuniting 65 years later shouldn’t be granted a marriage license because, let’s face it, no babies in their future.

This isn’t about personal beliefs, perceptions, or preferences. I personally believe that my cat is a Russian spy; I bet you have a dog that is not only a member of Mossad but also speaks Mandarin, and you think said furball could outwit my wily, trained assassin. That is your misguided perception, and you’re entitled to it. The core issue sitting before the Supreme Court is about universal rights. There shouldn’t be gay mawwiage and straight mawwiage – there should just be mawwiage. I know second amendment and “less government in business” supporters don’t want their individual rights trampled – so why is ok to deny a right to some that is afforded to the majority?

Mawwiage is what bwings us togewa today…

Friends, there is a lot of crazy shite going on in this world right now. Gay marriage needs to be the focus until equal rights are afforded to all citizens; wouldn’t it be great, though, if we got there together sooner rather than later? Then we can get down to the serious business of using Dennis Rodman as live bait to capture Kim Jung Un. So look alive, Ginsburg. The ball’s in your court.

Categories Humor?•Tags Argentina, Bible, Dennis Rodman, Gay marriage, Gay rights, Kim Kardashian, Like Water for Chocolate, Pope, Pregnancy, Prop 8, Supreme Court, Sweet Sixteen, Vatican