I have a confession. Assuming the Mayan Prophecy was true, I didn’t plan on any blogs for 2013; and since I refuse to blog on that poor Kardashian fetus or Taylor Swift’s inability to hold down a relationship with a sixteen year old, I have slim pickings to write about now. “Why?”, you may ask? Well, chick-a-dees, I’ve spent the last month or so in a Spanish cured-porcine induced haze that has dulled my mind and left me out of the loop on pop-culture in the old red, white and blue. Now, if you were to ask me who Cayetano Rivera (bull-fighter/model/cat-lover) is dating, I could tell you he’s with Eva what’s-her-face, ex-girlfriend of Iker Casillas (patron saint of Mostoles), but you’re not going to ask me that, are you? Even so, I feel the need to insert pictures of Cayetano here:
So this has nothing to do with my post; I just feel the need to introduce him to you all because, ladies and gents, this is the Iberian man at his finest. Speaking of cat eyes, I’d also like to introduce you this month to someone who I now believe to be the littlest, furriest double agent of the GRU (Russia’s version of the CIA) – my cat, Penny Lane.
Penny came to us under circumstances not unlike those in the movie SALT. Remember when Angelina Jolie’s character is implanted in the United States (under a false identity) as the orphaned child of an American couple that died in Russia? She is raised in the US, where she awaits the sign from her Soviet mentor to take down the U.S. government? I BELIEVE THIS MY CAT.
Before you accuse me of being drunk paranoid, hear me out. We got Penny shortly after our kitten, Margarito Seis Dedos, passed away. I was so grief-stricken at this loss and Carlos so truly panicked at my inability to pull myself together that he and my mother researched new kittens pronto. Carlos answered a Craig’s list ad about kittens, arranged to visit and pick one out, and then agreed to come back the following week on her six week “birthday”. The following Friday, Carlos went to pick up this sweet kitten, and upon arrival, the owners mentioned that said gentle kitten had fallen ill. Not wanting me to go through another heartache, they offered up a sister-kitten from the same litter (allegedly), a little gray and brown tabby. Carlos agreed, and they waved the $25 dollar fee because we seemed like good people who would not to feed this kitten to a python (I know, what?!?!).
So let’s re-cap – Craig’s list ad, bait and switch tactic, $25 fee waved. Something was wrong with this cat, and we ignored all the signs. I was so desperate for the love of a kitten, I totally ignored the fact that she may have been implanted here by the Russians. There were red flags (pun intended) everywhere that I chose to ignore – she often slept on my neck as a kitten (probably to test the pressure needed to snap it), followed our guests to the bathroom and tried to swipe at them as they did their business (dirty reconnaissance), and frequently hid in our fridge (presumably to poison our food). She was constantly looking for our weaknesses.
I think my spider senses confirmed that my cat was, in fact, a trained killer the day my mother tried to discipline her. After Penny tried to attack her, I sat back (amused) as my mom, a long-time owner of normal cats, tried her hand at showing Penny who was boss – holding her by the scruff of the neck like only a mother-cat could. Instead of becoming submissive, our little minion contorted her body in Exorcist-like fashion, whipped around and tried to bite, all while speaking what I can only assume to be fluent Russian. My mom, not knowing what to do, tossed the cat and ran to the door, mentioning something about waiting for me in the car. Why didn’t this disciplinary tactic work, you may ask? It’s simple. Penny was cloned in a former Soviet laboratory – she never had a mother.
So you can imagine what a challenge it’s been trying to incorporate a tiny trained killer into a normal Spanish-American family (for the record, I believe Carlos’s “Spanish-ness” is the sole reason she tolerates him; that and his magnificent guitar playing.) We’ve made some significant progress with Penny over the past three years, but every now and again, I can see her acute, lethal training come through. For example:
1. She has destroyed over 150 Canadian dollars worth of Apple product chargers and earphones. The motive? Apart from her abhorrence for our capitalist consumer tendencies, P.L. is (I believe) trying to cut off our communication from the outside world.
2. She has chewed through three computer chargers, several computer mice, our internet modem cable, and numerous wires related to TV, DVD, and speakers. ALL WITHOUT EVER BEING SHOCKED. How is this possible, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. She’s a trained killer and electronics expert, that’s how. And don’t let the mouse part fool you; she’s trying to incercept messages and again cut off our communication with the outside world. I also think she’s trying to sabotage my professional career by limiting my ability to work from home.
3. She sleeps with one eye open.
4. She spends hours watching pigeons from our windows. I can only assume she’s waiting for one with a message from the Motherland.
5. She recently slept ON TOP OF MY ALARM, causing me to wake up late for work. Her little cat FUPA acted as a noise-cancelling headphone, rendering my duck alarm useless. Why? She’s clearly trying to get me fired while testing out her ability to muffle my screams when the time comes.
6. She has intimidated at least two male dogs that have come into our home, causing one to pee, the other to sit in a corner curled up in a fetal position.
7. Upon being spayed, she ripped open the stitches in her abdomen on the first night, presumably to make sure no tracking devices were implanted. This led to a restitching and the wearing of a cone of shame for several weeks, affecting not only her mobility but her psyche.
Despite these setbacks, we’ve found ways to normalize her interactions with most humans. Most notably, the incorporation of Hey Jude has forced her to stop being such a frigid bitch. Jude is rivaled only by MinPins in his need for constant attention, and since Carlos and I both work, Penny is often tasked with satiating his appetite for affection. This seems to have had a calming effect on her in that she is so exhausted by Jude, she has no time to plot our demise or wait impatiently for carrier pigeons.
In fact, she’s even helpful around the house – balancing the checkbook and answering emails on days I work from home, just to avoid entertaining him. It takes her twice as long without the opposable thumbs, but I’m grateful for the help. When we are home on the weekends, she enjoys a break and catches up on her reading (Tolstoy and the Harry Potter series) and watching period pieces starring Keira Knightley, bull-fights, and old Star Trek re-runs.
Carlos and I have also learned that, like most double agents, Penny can be bribed. Her price? Brown Sugar Ham, Greek yogurt (preferably passion fruit), or a sweet serenade from Señor Don Gato (spy-name for Carlos). She can pretty much be found under-foot anytime the fridge opens, and trusting no one, only drinks water directly from the bathroom sink.
It’s taken a lot of time and patience, but I think we’ve finally reached a détente and (dare I say?) grown in affection for one another. I truly believe she’ll take a moment to reflect when she receives the sign to begin the takedown (if only because her Russian mentor may not keep a constant supply of yogurt and ham readily available). She is, by far, the cutest spy since the Mata Hari and the furriest since Garbo, and while her loyalty is questionable, I have no doubt she’d shank anyone who breaks in and tries to hurt her family… or steal her ham.
- Wondering “Will today be the day?”
onedayisoneday 