Or, maybe you’re just stuck in a Sochi hotel. Either way send help, amiright? So it’s been a hot minute since my last blog, love nuggets. I’ll admit, I haven’t felt particularly inspired to write these past few months, but give me three days trapped indoors, and suddenly the creative juices flow like Nana’s special occasion Manechewitz. I feel the need to clarify that Nana only drinks on a rare Shabbat, and I’m pretty sure that since she’s Catholic, that means once a year.
Whether my inspiration is flowing from the crazed vibe of being trapped in two rooms with a Russian spy cat on a diet, or a lack of Vitamin D, I started researching “symptoms of Cabin Fever”, and oh, hey, it’s a real thing. And here’s the awesome part – not only am I going to tell you the symptoms, I’m going to give you my made-up crap WebMD-approved remedies…
You may suffer from Cabin Fever if you notice…
• A lack of patience – If you talked to Carlos Danger, he’d probably tell you I suffer from Cabin Fever everyday. Solution: Think of what it was like for Columbus in 1492. They had ZERO idea where they were headed. Hell, he probably thought there was a chance they’d fall off the edge of the earth. How’s that for patience – waiting to fall of the edge of earth, and STILL navigating a ship towards impending doom.
• Always feeling tired – i don’t know if I can identify with this one; although I do feel like I could go to bed by 9 pm… and I napped during my lunch break… even though I woke up at 8:50 8:15. Solution: For you readers who say “Dios mio. This is me!”, I would suggest lots of caffeine and tons of sugary drinks; for my pregnant blog readers, sorry… you’re shitouttaluck. Go take a nap. You’re growing a human in your uterus, for Zeus’s sake.
• Feeling unproductive and unmotivated – We’ve all been there… it’s called “watching a Housewives marathon”… for the second time. Solution: When I feel unproductive, I instantly look to my cats. They are the laziest people I know, by far… and then I feel better.
• Feeling sad or depressed – I have the perfect remedy for this one!! No, not Vitamin D supplements (too cliche). Solution: Watch this http://www.nbcolympics.com/video/russian-police-choir-performs-get-lucky-opening-ceremony?ctx=top-moments. The wildly inappropriate song choice coupled with a mix of old and new rigid Russian officers and their varying levels of enthusiasm create what will be remembered as the most awkward greatest Olympic performance mankind has ever witnessed. I’ve taken the liberty of highlighting some of my favorite comrades below, so you don’t miss one glorious moment. Needless to say, I think this is exactly what Gorbachev had in mind when he opened relations with the West.
• Lethargy – Does this feel like lethargy on any other day? I will admit, I’m more aware of my lethargy now that I can’t leave the house, but I can’t say I’m feeling more-so than any other day. I tried to do hundreds of squats while watching Shahs of Sunset the Olympics the other night. While this zeal had the added bonus of keeping me warm, there is a yang to every yin – it also caused extreme soreness the next morning because I’m not used to, well, exercise. Solution: Embrace lethagy, and you’ll never be disappointed or you might pull a muscle.
• Difficulty concentrating – If you can’t work, make lunch, and marvel at Reza Farahan’s mustache simultaneously, I don’t want to know you. Plus, how bad can your distractions possibly be? It’s not like you’re the female skater being thrown into a triple axel or luging down a frozen chute of death. Solution: Just make sure your major appliances are shut off. Create a ten point check list, and review it twice to make sure you didn’t test appliances being off by accidentally turning them on; or you can choose to ignore my tip and hope you don’t forget to remove your new skillet from its storage place in the oven when it’s turned on to broil chicken wings, causing said skillet to smoke and change color. Is that too specific an example?
• Craving carbohydrates or sugar – I don’t agree with this one. I always drink hot chocolate and eat Kraft Mac & Cheese at the same time. It soothes me. Solution: Buy organic fruits and vegetables and lean meats in preparation for a storm… because that’s all that’s left at the grocery store once everyone is done panic shopping anyways.
• Sleep disturbance – Do they mean cats sitting on top of you waiting to be fed (again)? Being stuck home for three days was probably a bad time to start a diet for any living thing, let alone a cat that looks like she swallowed a bowling ball. Solution: Bring your animals to your neighbor’s house. Let it be their problem, too.
• Social withdrawal – What?! Not me; I’ve been texting with lots of people. And what’s more social than social media? Actual F2F contact (that’s face to face for you social noobs)? Pffffft… please. So 2013. Solution: Facebook or tweet your every thought. Have a conversation with someone in the comments on Facebook. Use lots of hashtags. You’ll totally be thankful later that you grouped your witty comments and Instagram photos so efficiently. #lol #yolo #notreally #hashtagsareworsethanacatonadiet
• Irritability – I think this is why Penny Lane is the way she is. She has perpetual cabin fever. I have to say, I haven’t felt this one yet (it’s only day two – one more day to go… I suppose this could go the way of The Shining without those creepy twins). I’ve enjoyed the intensive quality time with Carlos Danger and the fact that he’s prepared most of my meals. We have food. We have water. We have heat. Life is good. Solution: Go outside – it’s not an actual apocalypse. And if that doesn’t work, watch Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. 14 people living between a cabin and a barn in the dead of winter with no running water… or wait, am I thinking about #Sochi2014?
So that’s it… 10 signs you may have Cabin Fever. Hopefully, another part of the Southeast will take over Atlanta’s title as “most incompetent in a snowstorm” before the end of the week, but that might be a tall order. In the meantime, stay safe indoors and try embracing a different type of fever… DANCE fever, courtesy of the Russian Ministry of Internal Affairs.
onedayisoneday 